Find out why
Feature by Les Roberts
Updated Tuesday, 14th October 2008
It's ten days since the official site insisted that the signing of a new contract by David Moyes was imminent…but he still hasn't signed it! An internet problem page and the testimony of some keen-eyed Merseyside residents may tell us just why that dotted line remains blank.
Whilst dredging through the countless offers of cheap blues pills, amazing fake watches and the promise of teenage girls that will do unspeakable things with household objects, I stumbled upon a troubled soul that had a fear of signing his signature in public.
Wally Walters of Wallasey gave a touching account of a problem that has seen him marched out of every shop in the Cherry Tree centre with little more than an empty carrier bag in his unsteady hand.
Wally threw this out to an internet problem forum: "I have a phobia about signing my signature in front of people.. I don't worry about them copying it or anything like that.. I just get nervous and shake and my signature never looks how it should.. Why is this and how could I get over it?"
Answers ranged from suggestions that he try practicing his signature several hundred times til he's happy with it, the only downside being that this may in turn lead to RSI and he may never be able to hold a pen in his now deformed Beadle-like hand again, to the blindingly obvious "Get a chip-an-pin and stop shopping in the Cherry Tree centre you meff!"
But does this ridiculous-sounding phobia blight our under-fire manager?
Anecdotal evidence would suggest that it does!
Kirk Kirkland of Kirkby wrote: "Me and the 'arl girl took the kids down the precinct last week, looking for new socks for the kids as some bastard had robbed all ours off the line, when we saw a familiar ginger haired fella buying a pair of them chino kecks, you know, them beige ones like, but when Janine, top heavy bird that works there, our Stevie reckons he did her behind the back of the Falcon but there's no way she'd touch that ugly get!
Anyway yeah, this fella tries to pay for his strides but when he goes to sign for his card he just stopped like. He took a look around, tried again but then started shaking like a shitting dog and muttered something like "Actually I'll keep the ones I've got, these days you're lucky to get one or two wears from a pair of slacks but I've had six and a half out of these" and just frigged off like!
She was well pissed off like coz she's got a job lot in and hasn't sold one pair yet, I told her like, it's all combat kecks and that these days girl but she wouldn't have it like."
Frank Franklin of Frankby had a similar sighting whilst eating out at a trendy Wirral restaurant:
"Francine and I were dining Hoylake's Portrait House when a ginger-haired man wearing what can only be described as a pair of dishelleved Docker's, they all wear them at the sailing club but I've never been privy to a pair so threadbare, he looked quite well to do with his navy sport coat too, anyway, this fellow asks for the bill but when the young lady waiting on asked him to sign his cheque the man simply froze.
She enquired as to whether there was some sort of problem with the pen at which point the frustrated fellow threw it on the floor, tore the cheque to confetti and threw it in the face of the baffled barmaid!
Rafa was dining in here last week and there was no such scene, the man is the toast of West Wirral and rightly so, charming fellow and he didn't even give the young urchin outside a second glance when he was challenged with the remark: "What's up with you? Couldn't get a job in there you fat miserable get!"
Kenny Kennedy of Kensington also described a bizarre incident that took place in the Paraffin Oil Shop in Old Swan: "This red headed fella like lad, y'know proper copper bollocks and that like, came in and asked for two pints of Guiness right lad and some Scampi Fries, no honest lad fuckin Scampi Fries like, he had to wait while they changed the barrell so he's stood there looking round like he was gonna get smoked like, just coz we're wearing Low Apline hats and that lad, proper does me head in lad, anyway, when that bird with the mad head that works there, y'know the one Skinny reckons he's had and I told him I wouldn't fuckin touch her with his after she went with that dirty get off Edge Lane, she asked him to pay he said only had a flim on him like so asked if he could pay on his card. She said he'd have to sign for it y'know lad so he just shouts "Six and a half minutes is a long time to be at one pub, I'm off!" and just did one like!"
Finally, Mr Bill Kenwright of address unknown came out with this, admittedly unfeasible, description of events during a meeting with David Moyes. Upon failing to sign a new lucrative contract with the club that has kept faith in him for six-and-a-half years Mr Kenwright describes how Moyes simply pushed the contract back across the table and gave this, somewhat bizarre, explanation for his long-standing reluctance to sign: "The reason it has taken so long is because I want the best for Everton"
He added: "Last season, when we were fourth, I wanted funds so we could really compete. In the end I've had to accept we don't have that sort of money. But I am going to sign."
Please note, names have been changed in this article due to matters of privacy and it being completely made up…apart from quotes in the last paragraph!