Hate Week!

Last updated : 05 September 2006 By Les Roberts
And, just in case you can't quite pinpoint why you hate Liverpool so
much, here are a couple of reasons that are as good as any…


What is it with these beauts and their, generally professional looking
but almost always, completely cryptic, banners?

Get on these whoppers….

Is the fella on the left one out of Frankie goes to Hollywood?

…and then try these on for size…

It appears that, with no hint of irony, they are trying to be all
profound (most knowledgeable fans in the country and all that!) when, in
fact, they are just being pretentious bell ends!

Which leads nicely onto….


Now we all have our fair share of red mates who we get on with, for at
least 50 weeks of the year, and it always seems to be the ones that
don't go to the match that wind you up the most.

And don't they always seem to be on the fabled ‘waiting list' (300
million and counting) but can never seem to make it for a midweeker
against Grimsby or Spartak Gobshite or someone?

But, if it's generally the ones that don't go that do your head in, how
do you explain this lot?

No, you didn't win it five times in Istanbul you daft get, you won it once!

Answers on a postcard please...

And then you've got the unholy trinity…

Chip or Dale?

And then there's ‘badgeman'…oh dear…

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a picture of ‘Dr Fun' so here's another
one of Ken Dodd doing his best Dr Fun impersonation…

And this cat leads me on to the next point…

Who is to blame? Not us! (this one'll probably get me into a whole load of

It's been mooted that Liverpool fans were not to blame for the Heysel
tragedy…so then whose fault was it? I've heard that everyone from
Chelsea fans to Ben Thatcher were to blame!

The thugs that attacked Alan Smith's ambulance were, some would have you
believe, actually Evertonians. Ignore the fact that there were 40,000
Liverpool fans leaving the ground, a group of hardcore Blues infiltrated
their ranks and attacked the ambulance. Yep, ok, that sounds feasible!

And then there's the whole ‘Free Michael Shields' campaign. The club
were right behind this at the start but then distanced themselves when
his alibi's grew increasingly ropey.

Just how many people popped their head into his room that night to check
that the little lamb had got to bed safely?

And as for Graham Sankey…no one seems to know what happened to the poor
sod that he's confessed to assaulting!

And has Ben Thatcher confirmed where he was on that fateful night?

And, more to the point, has anyone actually claimed his or her free
Michael Shields yet?

"It's your cup final, bitters"

Yes it's a big game for us and it's certainly one of the first ones we
look for when the fixtures come out, but why do Liverpool fans insist
that it means nothing to them any more?

We are local rivals and, therefore, the game is a big deal for everyone
involved…end of!

And if it's that inconsequential why do Liverpool fans have faces like
smacked arses when they get beat?

And why keep telling us that it means nothing to you? We heard you, and
didn't believe you the first time!

And then there's the good old "bitters" jibe. Yes we are bitter,
particularly over Heysel, but have you ever seen a more bitter set of
fans as Liverpool had when we stumbled into fourth place the other year?

But, as usual, their Faustian pact ensured that things turned out rosey
for them again!


Too many to list but here are a few of my personal least faves….

...so if you had one bullet left?

OK, so it's a bit out of order to knock a fella when he's dead but he did that
daft "...Everton are tragic" thing and was a complete ballbag on A Question
of Sport.

'Razor' no doubt getting himself ready to scare the kids at the
Goodison Christmas party!

"Mmmm ladies...show us yer medals!!!"

Ian Rush for 90's kids...arrgghhh!

And now they've got this gargoyle…

"Esmerelda...the bells!!!"


A new one this that they appear to have concocted on the back of
Chelsea's impending run of success and our very own "If you know your

Although, admittedly, it's a song that we, along with a few others,
appear to have nicked off Celtic, there's no doubt that it winds reds up
something wicked!

The club even appear to have adopted the line: "That's what we call
history" as a kind of lame response to our club's very own "Grand old
team" campaign.

They started this one out on us with the old, "You've got no history"
thing which clearly cut no ice with any of us as:

a) it's completely untrue and;

2) if they looked a little closer they'd realise that we actually are
their history.

Liverpool FC is and always will be the bastard child of the Blues!

This then escalated into a stick to beat Chelsea with as they counted
the number of trophies they had won in comparison to Chelsea's meagre
haul. Which, I guess, is fair enough as Chelsea is not a club with any
noteworthy past successes or history.

In fact, they hate Chelsea that much these days that they'd sooner see
Man United win the league. But I think this is a case of them confusing
rivalry with jealousy!

They'll no doubt try it out on us on Saturday but it'll just be them
getting confused again…this time between success and history!

Remember, we may not have their trophies but we will never have their