I hate everything about you

Last updated : 25 September 2008 By Les Roberts

Let's start at the top…not Stantler and Waldorf in the main stand, nor Rick Parry's pantomime dame, but at the strange looking little fella that picks the team every week…

Rafael Benitez

This chancer has built his career in England on the back of winning the European Cup with possibly the worst team to lift the trophy since Red Star Belgrade beat Marseille in 1991.

He likes to think of himself as a master of mind games but his outbursts, especially when under pressure, just come across as ill-judged and petulant rants.

And it doesn't matter that he's spent £500 million to cobble together a team to finish fourth every year because he's actually recouped £1 billion in the process!

Jose Reina

He calls himself Pepe!

Jamie Carragher

Where to start with this nugget?!

Derided during the early part of his career for being nothing more than a second-rate hoof-merchant but is now the epitome of the Liverpool fighting spirit and takes on the 'Mr Liverpool' mantle whenever Steven Gerrard is off the pitch.

But he's still nothing more than a second-rate hoof-merchant and follows a tradition of Liverpool centre-halves/hatchet men that started with Tommy Smith and seemingly ended with Neil Ruddock until this beaut came along…and don't even get started on the 'Bootle mafia' stuff…Christ on a bike!

Daniel Agger

Shit arm, bad tattoo!

Steven Gerrard

Kopites are all too keen to tell us how many of their great players were once Evertonians. From Ian Rush, through Steve McManaman, Robbie Fowler, Michael Owen to Jamie 'I used to be a better Bootle blue la' Carragher, they've all pledged a former allegiance to Everton before the dark side took hold.

So why are Liverpool fans so unwilling to accept that their current captain was an Evertonian in his formative years?

But, unlike the others who seem to have become Reds through years of brainwashing at Melwood, you can pinpoint the exact moment when Gerrared turned from Blue to Red…a bit like the way Bart freeze frames Ralph Wiggum's heart breaking after Lisa rejects him live on television.

It was Sunday 17th February 1991 during an FA Cup fifth round between Everton and Liverpool at Anfield. The tie was to end 0-0 and lead to the famous 4-4 at Goodison and, ultimately, a 1-0 win for Everton in the second replay at Anfield.

Young Steve was probably sat at home, watching the game on ITV and sucking his tea through a Spira, when Steve McMahon totally ballsed up the infamous 'LFC Shithouse tackle' and crocked himself whilst trying to castrate a young John Ebbrell.

Young Steve's eyes lit up and kick-abouts no longer consisted of practicing Sheedy-style free kicks or Graeme Sharp vollies, it was all about how to dismember the scrawny kid - the one that always smelled like margerine and wore half-masts - and make it look like a legitimate attempt for the ball.

Years of practice came to fruition some years later when Gerrard put Gary Naysmith's nutsack into the main stand at Anfield and didn't even receive a booking from Graham Poll - there's a surprise!

And he would have completely got away with it had it not been for those pesky television cameras and those busy bodies at the FA!

Xabi Alonso

Every time he hits a speculative 30-yard shot that ends up knocking a beef tea from the hand of an unsuspecting fan, some smarmy commentator cannot resist the urge to blurt out something along the lines of: "had he hit that from his own half it would've flown in".

All this misplaced adoration because, against Luton, he trickled the ball in from a weak shot from his own half when the opposing 'keeper was still in the Liverpool penalty area after going up field for a last minute corner, and for hitting a twat of a shot from his own half that evaded Newcastle's Steve Harper purely because the soft get of a 'keeper fell over at the exact moment he should have pulled the ball out of the air!

And he has the haircut of a 4-year-old boy on his first day at school!

Dirk Kuyt

A player so ugly that his mum used to feed him with a catapult.

Picked up the 'LFC shithouse tackle' baton from Gerrard and nailed it, and Phil Neville, on his very first attempt!

Robbie Keane

The new Stan Collymore…probably minus the wife-beating!

Last year, he was desperate to move to his boyhood heroes but the move fell through.

He finally got his wishes this summer and moved to Anfield for £20 million.

The only trouble is that last year his boyhood heroes were Celtic, this year it was Liverpool.

If crack Russian outfit Dinamo Extractor come in with a bid for him next summer will he profess to have been a lifelong extractor fan?

And he does that shit forward roll when he scores…not that anyone's witnessed it this season (I'm going to regret saying that aren't I?!)

Fernando Torres

From the shit songs to the shit nicknames to looking like something that you'd probably consider at 4.30am in Poco Loco's in Magaluf.

Probably goes down more often than something you'd consider at 4.30am in Poco Loco's too!

Then there's the 'You'll Never Walk Alone' inscription on his captain's armband whilst at Atletico Madrid…sweet Lord!