No, really!
When discussing the less than imminent return of Everton's other Nigerian striker, David Moyes was quoted as saying: "Victor's not in a good way either. He had the pin taken out [of his knee] four to six weeks ago which had been catching on the side of his knee.
He added, and this is the killer: "Now what has happened, he has a massive growth of bone and has a really big knee at the moment."
None of this technical talk of patella tendons, fibular collateral ligaments, tibial plateaus or even plain old cruciate ligaments for Moyes, no no, the boy's out with a big knee, next..!
What's perhaps more interesting is what pops up when you type big knee into Wikipedia - as I've said, all this isn't just thrown together you know - and you're directed to an entry on
'Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu
- there that's messed up the formatting!
For those of you not up to speed on your Maori, that's the name given to a hill - I'm not making this up - and this one is in New Zealand's North Island.
The literal translation is "The summit where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, the climber of mountains, the land-swallower who travelled about, played his nose flute to his loved one."
So this cat had two big knees and still managed to climb mountains, travel about and play his nose flute - surely a euphamsim for class A drug abuse - so come on Vic, pull your bloody finger out!
Actually don't, you'd probably be out for several months with a damaged digit!
Anyway, all that shite aside, and Phil Jagielka's not going to be back this month as first thought as he's had to have a second operation on a fresh tear in his knee cartilage.
Which is just great!
There'll be more news on Everton-mad a few days after it first breaks everywhere else so don't go changing that dial!